Who would want to anyway, right?
by Meals on Wheels
Summary: Severus reflects on his life thus far after returning to Hogwarts to teach; includes light discussion of self-loathing and redemption.


So I've made it around to publishing a story about my all-time favourite literary creation: Severus Snape. Honestly, his character is so well rounded, I love J.K's canon of him, and I wouldn't change anything. What happens in this fic seemed right to me for Snape when he first started at Hogwarts after he became good and all that stuff. I wasn't really very subtle about the self-loathing, but I don't really think he would be either, hopefully you enjoy :)

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Even after Severus returned to teach at Hogwarts, he still received the judgmental glares worthy of an ex-Death Eater. Nobody trusted him at all, none of the staff or students. He could hardly blame them, really. They alike saw him for the dark, evil person he had become, as a servant of the Dark Lord. Severus did not believe them to be wrong.

He did not feel deserving of his new career as Potions Master within the school. He felt inferior to all the other teachers, most of whom had known him as a young boy, and had seen him develop into an ambitious, power hungry man. He no longer felt like a man, now he was back at school.

His "colleague's" were pleasant enough, but Severus could tell they gossiped about him. "He used to be a Death Eater, he did" They surely said when outside his presence. "Peculiar he came back to our side right before the fall of You-Know-Who." Oh sure, when Severus entered the staff room, Filius offered him tea, while that Trelawney character attempted to read his future from the remains in the cup. Yes, Minerva would always go out of her way to ask how the Slytherins are doing. This, however, loses sincerity when she follows by explaining that Gryffindor will beat Slytherin in the house cup, regardless of how his students are going. Despite their pleasantries, Severus knew that the other professors would much rather find themselves sitting next to Binns over himself in the staff room.

The children were worse, much worse. Severus remembered walking into his first ever lesson, with a class of sixth years, whom he remembered from his years at Hogwarts. They were a mix of Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs and Severus was terrified they would not listen to him because they remembered the teased loser he was known as three years previous. Severus stormed into the room, completely ignoring the students outside, and waited at the front of the dungeon for the students to take their seats, avoiding eye contact all the while. He spent that lesson on the prowl around the dungeon, giving detention for the slightest mistakes, and maintaining a cold stare the entire time. This cold, unfeeling attitude, which helped to protect his heart from further ache, made him hated among students.

His first lesson with the Slytherins was better at least, even if they were teamed with the Gryffindors. He remembered many of the fourth year Slytherins as they were in their first year, when they were first sorted. They had barely changed. Though Severus tried not to show any affection for those children he remembered, he found himself scolding Gryffindors in their place, while he did not punish or give detention to one Slytherin. This unintentional softening or "favouritism" as it would soon be known had him hated by students in all houses but his own.

The students resented him, the teachers mistrusted him, and the only source of comfort was Dumbledore. The headmaster seemed to take it upon himself to come to Severus' office every evening and make sure he was doing more than staring at a blank wall, which had become a new favourable pass time for Severus. His pass times included marking work, doubting his marked work, remarking work and of course he had the whole staring at the wall thing. Dumbledore's visits seemed always to interrupt an important aspect of Severus' pass times.

Dumbledore always said to Severus in these visits that he deserved more in life than he allowed himself to hope for. Dumbledore said Severus was a good man now, and should hence be prepared to demonstrate it by living life. Severus disagreed. He felt at home in the dungeons, as they were the first and only home he really had known, and he saw no need to leave them.

During one of Dumbledores visits, a topic frequently visited reappeared. Lily Evans. It pained Severus greatly to think about her, and to talk about her was almost too much. Whenever she was mentioned, Severus would tend to act cold, using sardonic humor to attempt to drag Dumbledore off the subject. This time the discussion was not limited to Lily, however, and soon they arrived at her son.

"Harry will be starting schooling soon, Severus."

"I am well aware of this, Headmaster, and I fail to see how this is relevant to me at this present time." Severus proclaimed, dismissively, and attempted to avoid eye contact with Dumbldore by turning to the mound of ungraded papers on his desk.

"Severus, I am worried about you. I am concerned with the memories the boy may reawaken within you. He resembles his father greatly, more so as he ages." Dumbledore spoke, drawing back Severus' eyes.

"I would hope I am well past those memories, Professor, and believe your time may be better spent if you would not worry about such trivial things. The boy must be schooled here, as you have frequently profess. What should it matter my feelings towards the situation?"

Severus knew the boy would be in danger, as Dumbledore perceived the Dark Lord was not actually gone. Dumbledore had given him the opportunity to be Potions Master at Hogwarts, giving Severus a chance at redemption for all the horrid things he had done as a Death Eater, and he knew that protecting the Potter boy was vital to seek retribution.

Though the boy was a product of the woman he loved and his arch rival, Severus would do what it took to protect the boy, as penance for being the reason for the destruction of his family. He owed it to Lily.

"Remember her eyes, when you see Harry, will you Severus? Remember he is not James" Dumbledore spoke softly to Severus, placing his hand comfortingly atop Severus' own.

This specific discussion stuck out in Severus' memory. Indeed, it was nothing really all that special, but it marked the first of the discussions about the fate of Harry Potter. It seemed Dumbledore's second favourite topic to talk to him about, the first of which being a regular "how was your day" strand of discussion. The boys future was surely a murky one that could clearly not be predicted from the remains of a tea cup, no disrespect to Trelawney. Dumbledore seemed certain that the boy was tied to Severus as he was to the boy.

Though Dumbledore found musing over the Dark Lord and his relationship to Harry Potter intriguing, he could always tell when Severus was getting sick of the discussion, and would change the subject soon enough. Severus knew that, though it was right to praise the boy who defeated his previous merciless master, he could not stand the discussions for very long, as when he thought about the boy, he thought about Lily. The misery would set in again after the thought of his beloved Lily, who died because of his own actions. This guilt would follow Severus to his grave and though Dumbledore assured him that his path to righteousness was clear, Severus still had his doubts whether he was really right for the light.

In Severus' own eyes, he saw himself as a hideously ugly man, blunt and cold, and impossible for anyone to get close to. Who would want to anyway, right?


End file.
